I know I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been depressed since the last time I posted… I just couldn’t shake the cloud hanging over me. It’s gotten a bit better, mainly because of the holidays… Everything just seemed to crash down on me all at once. My PCOS being the direct link to my depression. 😩😩😩
My weight has been getting to me too. Every time I try to eat better the scale gets to me and I give up. Happens at least 12 times a week. I’ve weighed basically the same since high school ((give or take 10 pounds)… More of the give tbh. Anorexia, bulimia… They suck. They’ve been a forefront in my mind for months now. Some days I go without eating a thing. Others I eat everything and then feel awful about myself. And then there are those days where I eat just to taste the food and then go throw it up. Some days I can tell when I’m getting bad but others, I honestly couldn’t give a fuck. 🤷🤷🤷 I know. I’ve got problems. And yes, I know I should see someone about this problem… But I’m just not ready yet. Plus being broke doesn’t help.
I’ve also been struggling with how lonely I am. I just want someone to love me for me. I want someone to cuddle at night. To tell all of my problems too. Someone who understands my problems and helps me through them. I understand this doesn’t happen overnight but like HURRY UP UNIVERSE. I’M GOING MAD. Most people I tell this too say I need to put myself out there more and go on dating websites etc etc etc… I’ve been there and done that. I’ve gotten ghosted, ignored, blocked, and degraded. I’m so tired of that shit. I’ve honestly thought about going lesbian because men are such assholes. 🙃🙃🙃
The last guy I told about my PCOS and beard situation started off asking me out on a date and being really nice saying “You’re beautiful.” “Don’t listen to those people.” “They’re just assholes.” “I’m so sorry you have to go through that.” Guess who ignored me after that?? YEAH. So, no. That’s okay. I’ll just be alone for the rest of my life… For now. 🙄🙄🙄
Ya know… Hair is a mystery to me. It can be thick, thin, long, course, wirey. All of which, I loathe. I’ve only just accepted my leg hair and armpit hair. I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point of accepting everything else.
Leg hair. Facial hair. Armpit hair. Nipple hair. Chest hair. Back hair. Arm hair. Head hair. Blah blah blah.
It grows when, how, and where it wants. And tbh, it pisses me the fuck off.
I’ve tried the whole “love yourself” and “accepting you for you” shit. I really have. I’ve tried so fucking hard. I just… Can’t.
Not yet, at least.
Most of my friends and family have no idea that I have PCOS. I don’t like to talk about it.
Over the years, I’ve heard some really cruel and demeaning things come out of their mouths. Every time something like that comes out of their mouth I shut down more and more. Most of it isn’t even towards me… But it applies to me. And it hurts. A lot.
Having PCOS is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my entire 22 years of existence. It’s a struggle to get out of bed every day and look at the body the Universe gave to me.
But… Here we are. 🙃🙃🙃
I never really fit in. I only had 1 best friend in school and out of school I had my cousin’s… I was always the fat kid with the curly hair and the glasses.
Most everyone steered clear of me. I never knew why. I still don’t.
All I know is that when I hit 8th grade (2008), my body began to change. And not in the “normal” way. Yes, my boobs got bigger and I got a little taller but I started growing facial hair… I never thought it was as bad as it actually was back then. Until people started pointing it out…
Mom: “(insert name), you need to start trimming your facial hair so it’s not as noticable.”
Big bro: “Can I ask you something?”
Me: “….I guess.”
Big bro: “Did you know that you have a beard?”
Me: “Yeah. I did.”
Big bro: ” It’s getting pretty long… Someone is going to say something.”
Me: “I don’t care.” (I was DYING on the inside. I was so hurt)
Guy friend: “Hey (insert name), did you know that you have hair growing out of your chin?” (He said this in front of ALL of my friends)
Me: “Yeah. I know. I don’t care.”
Guy friend: “Well, you should care…”
Other friends: “So what? Why would you blatantly point in out? That’s fucked up.”
(I couldn’t even speak I was so upset)
I’ve never been so mortified in my entire life. After these encounters, I made sure to shave better to hide the fact I had facial hair. I just wanted to be me again…
PCOS is a bitch. For anyone that has is knows what I’m talking about. It’s not just the irregular periods, cysts, or hair loss.
It’s also the hair growth… The hair growth that isn’t just in the areas it’s supposed to be on a woman. I’m talking the male pattern hair growth.
It’s the worst part (for me) about PCOS. I can’t control it. I can’t change it. All I can do is shave, wax, or laser it. Or GOD FORBID leave it natural. 💅💅💅
Growing up with PCOS is a challenge. Not only do we have to deal with normal feminine teenage shit but put all the PCOS shit on top of that with no cherry. 😧😧😧